cognos absentia

not a definative list, nor one i shall bend over backwards to achieve.. but... in a perfect world....hel some i might already have and they are just there to remind me of that.. some are direct opposition to past experiences...

( under here )

making no sense to those reading the fb feed... lj cutting this post..

( not doing so great. read only if you want to )

sara

Sara,
Congratulations, you made it this far... and for that you deserve praise even if its the last thing you can actually stomach right now.
You've made a new start at Tapton, and whilst you may not realise it, some of the friends you've made will turn out to be people you will depend on through thick and thin. I wish there was a way for you to believe that sooner than you will, but at least this way you will know because you *know* and not for any shallow reason.

the uphill climb has not yet ended, and to be honest, im not sure it ever will, but time does make things a little easier. there are still mistakes to be made, and things to learn, and even now, ten years down the line, there are mistakes to make here, and things to learn, but don't give up.
In the midst of everything there is some light.... things may turn out entirely different to how you imagined they ever could. You may even find yourself in a position you once vowed would NEVER happen, but you'll also find that you'll survive it, that actually it isn't the end of the world, and to be cheesy and cliche, you will rise out of the ashes. More than you believe you have as well.

Not everyone is out to get you. Something that will take you at least another ten years to begin to comprehend. Equally though, things are not always your thought. I know that actually, you find the latter harder to accept right now. In time that will change, I promise, and you will come to accept that you're not responsible for the weight of the world. I'm not saying that you wont feel like you bear it sometimes, but try and keep some perspective. you can and will do this.

If there is one thing that you should try and change, you need to realise the damage thats been done. On some level you are aware of it, even now, but like me, you don't know how to deal with it... but the sooner you can start the better it will be.

You manage to find good in almost everything, and thus have few regrets, even through the silly stupid mistakes, which will inevitably involve relationship mistakes, but equally you wont regret them and wish you'd never bothered, because there is always something to learn.

The questions you start asking yourself, you should look into rather than bury them for fear of isolating yourself any further... but equally, it may seem safer to ignore them for a time.. but don't discount them fully.. they will come back.

You will find the next ten years incredibly hard.. but you will survive, and you may not realise it even down the line, but you have a lot of strength, as people will keep telling you and you will keep disbelieving.. but hey, stubbornness is a part of this...

a supposedly wiser, older self :P

not been a good day.
fell down the back stairs at lunchtime.

pretty damaged but it could ahve been a LOT worse...
ive managed to find a semi comfortable position reclining on the sofa so hoping i can get some rest and let things start to heal some.

in the mean time ive been tagged a couple of times and i will get on with those soon - i havent forgotten or ignoring..

Cold pink light
Tendrils uncurling
reach for me.

Advancing towards
Envelops me
continuing ahead.

Searing stripes against the blue.

In the west
The empty lifeless grey.
A suffocating blanket of snow
Struggling for dominance.

But it is no match for the waving arms
ushering in the morn.

As the pink merges with the blue and grey
all give way to a pale washed out lilac.

Another january day has dawned.

cos ive been ill and dont like whining on lj...

had a fluey thing, so was off work wednesday onwards. i tried going in on friday, but was packed off back home agaon...

the snow continues to fall... last night we had another few inches, and at least 6 hours continuous sustained fall, t the point where this afternoon when i tried to take the rubbish out i found i couldnt actually open the door to get to the yard... which is kinda exciting.. if irritating as well

im feeling a bit better now, and sinuses/ears are clearing a bit which will help some, and if the weather is ok tomorrow im going to try and go for a walk...

not really a lot to report, things are slowly moving, whether or not they are going in the right direction is a different question but its better than stagnation..
i dont think ill ever stop asking questions... and i dont think its necessarily a bad thign as long as the questions have a purpose..


lots of questions about all things spiritual at the moment more than anything... i know these things come in cycles, and i can remember posting to one of my blogs similar questions a long time ago now... and im still no nearer to an answer i guess.. but organised religion certainly isnt the way to go for me... so i guess working out what you dont want is positive in terms of being a little closer to what you do...

wasnt it edison who, when interviewed about his 'faliures at inventing the lightbulb said "actually i just discovered 10000 ways not to make a light bulb... "


my goals for this year are ongoing ones i think... learn to look after myself a bit better/more regularly which can be taken in many different ways i know.... if you want specifics, continue losing some weight - slipped a bit over christmas and with being ill but its nothing i cant fix, and im still on net loss so far so this is good... i have my target to reach which will remain secret but im in no rush to get there :) to taking time out - being in the flat on my own helps there... and not trying to be perfect and cope with things when i obviously cant... admitting i need help etc... but all sorts of stuff.. maybe another post...

working out what i want to do... no rush on this again....

yeah lots of stuff... certainly dont want to make a list to tick off, cause i dont expect it all to be done this year...

one goal that will hopefully be fixed nect weekend though that the ps2 gets plugged into the tv!

next saturday sees yule burns at christmas night... seasonal belated celebration if anyone bothers to turn up.... should be good though if it happens..

also got another hospital appt coming up which im kinda secretly crapping myself over... but ed is coming up for a few days so thats sorted out in terms of practicalities...

got a day out

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first day back at work after new year today, and the first day of my shifted day - im working 8.15-4.15 for at least two weeks, probably at least a month, and maybe longer if it works... early does seem to suit me better as long as i can actually get up to start with, but all was generally good... even met most of my targets for the day (only home insurance leads i bombed on, but didnt speak to any customers who icould even broach the topic with... ). Think the arrangement has caused a bit of upset with a couple of other people in the branch though - as everyone has been asked to get in for 8.45 ready for the meeting at 8.50 (only 5-10 mins earlier than usual) which has caused upset... now im in for 8.15 (40-45 mins earlier - normally we're paid for 9-5so 8.15-4.15 makes perfect sense)
Now my boss has assured me not to worry about it - cos if others dont like it they can talk to him, but i dont like the fact that it could cause a bit of crap....

coming home i was kinda confused but pleasantly surprised at how good a job on tidying the flat i made yesterday, walked into the lounge and had to do a double take cos everything was where it should be, so that was nice...

not so good is the fact that i seem to have sinusitis again. brought on by stress and being run down usually as opposed to a cold. slight swelling of one of my glands but thats again normal, so just need to try and chill out a bit, stay warm and not stress... the running around over the last two weeks combined with bad insomnia is probably the cause... joints aching too, more from being over extended ont he ice than anythign else, so hot water bottle and blanket curled up on the sofa for me.. should have brought some cash home so i could get chinese but never mind...

since i last posted an update..well ive been getting used to being on my own totally.... It's not been as bad as i thought it would, despite still not having a fixed bed yet or things how i would like it... although now i am looking to again be saving up the money to move again... nowhere else geographically, jsut to a flat that isnt full of damp and mould... stillgoing to be expensive, although i would i think look for an unfurnished dlat and just get what i actually need cos its not a lot...
but i digress... my birthday came and want.... much drinking was done, films were watched and i think people enjoyed themselves...

so here i am in january... and i think there is a difference between now and a year ago.... ive certailny managed to expnd my social circle a little, making some wonderful new friends, as well as reacquainting myself with some old friends i thought i'd lost... as these things go, there are also those people who have fallen by the wayside... some people i thought i could rely on, and have once more been proven wrong...

this year also saw the first social christmas in a long time... spent with my very good friend chris and his family and with ed it was interesting... certainly odd, but not unpleasant... and given the weather conditions up here at the present time not unwelcome to have migrated south a little, as we're now regularly hitting at least -10 at night time... !

am currently in the midst of another bout of insomnia, which isnt great, but all i can do is to do what i can... im not drinking coffee... going to bed when i feel tired and having a hot bath etc....

the next two months see me being about as social as ive ever been whichis quite new and bizzare! next weekend is th eonly weeken up until the end of feb im actually not doing anything... and on friday bryony is coming over as well... then its christmas/burns/night/thing... with paul jack and bryony, and then im going off to hebden bridge the following weekend and then kergun is up... then im at the hospital 3rd feb for the next round of check ups, which im not looking forwards to but it will be better to know... nd ed is coming up then for a few days, then kergun for house of the golden lotus, and then andy, and *then* i have a free weekend... :S

work hours change tomorrow as well, am working 8.15 to 4.15 for a while, which actually i think will suit me better.... specially if the insomnia keeps up... i can deal with the not so much sleep but physically i need more rest, so essentially the extra hour means i can come home and nap for 40mins or so which will hopefully lead to me managing this better...

i know this is a bit of a ramble about nothing, but im trying to get back into the habit of writing....will write more about the book plans tomorrow....as i did all of the housework today, which was good... so only my room to sort out which wont take long and can be left... but i just need to be writing some...

sinuses are burning a little, which doesnt bode too well.... hopefully not actually precursor to full blown sinusitus or flu, but more just tiredness... which is the other option...

had this song going round my head a bit the last couple of days.. just cause there are bit of life that suck utterly.

im just wondering what i need to be/have to do to be genuinely liked... and not used... because aside from a very few people whom i think fall into the second category, everyone else just takes what they can or want and leave me by the wayside. the fact that i allow it is a separate issue... but maybe thats why.. because i *do* allow it... gah. i dont know...
im comparing myself to everyone else again.. and it wont work. but equally i have nothing else to go on....

so onto more cheery topics... i havent posted for a little while. had my birthday and a couple of visitors over, which was a welcome change, and this weekend ive had my sister up for a few days. yesterday we went to the lumiere festival in durham.. here are some of the pictures i took there.

ingredients:

3 large parsnips,
2 medium carrots,
1 LARGE white onion
5 cloves of garlic
 salt
pepper
small pinch of curry spice according to taste.
vegetable stock to cover.
a few lentils


chop vegetables into chunks and place into pan, peel garlic and place into pan,
add vegetable stocl to jus covering veg and boil until veg is almost tender.
Add a few lentils to thicken when blended.
once lentils are cooked,
blend, and serve with fresh bread!

after the horrendousness of saturday evening,  things got a little better. this is in no small part down to the efforts of jack, ed and paul, who between them managed to calm me down enough and  generally be there at a time i genuinely needed a friend. Paul came over to keep me company saturday night, and this helped immensely, as sunday morning i was therefore entirely distracted.. sunday afternoon i ventured out for coffee, and when i got back spoke to kergun for a while, and then determined not to fall too far behind, started the novel and went to bed.
Yesterday I was back at work, and I was exhausted. i was ready to fall over by 5 o clock! it didnt help as well that i had some truly awkward and difficult customers, and just wasnt in the headspace to deal with anyone shouting at me. so after getting home for 5.30pm mustve kinda spaced out because then it was 8pm, and then i decided i needed a bath in an effort to try and force my muscles to relax a little physically.. didnt lounge, had about 40 mins, but had my big fluffy bathrobe and towel waiting on the radiator when i got out, so was lovely and comfy cosy warm. realised though that brain to fuddled to really write much. as such i am quite far behind already. I will have time to catch up, but pushing myself right now is probably not the best idea.

this morning, a knock on the door got me out of bed. was the chap here to continue with my bathroom. im happy he's here, cause that means it will be done by the weekend, but today im having to leave him with my key, while i go to work. hes a lovely guy -he did the work before, but the control freak in me is not happy about not having my key and me not being  there.. or at least someone else.

i didnt post yesterday because i was busy!

I set out to the doctors, which in itself was a somewhat surreal experience. Getting out was actually nice, and it was surprisingly warm. I knew i was going to request wearing my big beige jumper *and* my new coat within about 30 seconds... but nethertheless continued on. just as i was around the corner from the surgery, i got a text from jack who was a little early. as i signed in to be told by hte computerised screen there was an approximately 15 minute wait, i directed jack to me, and we rambled at one another until it was time to go in.
the doctor i saw was very like the headmistress in school of rock, in both looks (except blonde) and manner... she was actually quite nice, despite reprimanding me when i said there were three quick things , as "i should have considered booking a double appointment". i stuck to my ground though and explained that one was quite last minute, and basically work had asked for a doctors note, which id said i would relay. as expected she told me id need to self certify as 'that is why the system is there'
secnd thing i needed was to chase up my referral back to the surgeons. she rang receptionf or my paper notes, took one look at them, and said shed find out whether gastroenterologist or surgeon consultand would be quicker and get me on the list straight away. sounded like she knew where she was going... so that was also quick.
thirs and final thing was me handing over the letter from the psychotherapist, which she read, agreed a referral would be a good thing, but was unsure whether she be able to bypass the normal route or if id still have to see a primary care psychologist first.... she said shed find out and let me know, either by post or phone, so i am somewhat hopeful that things may get on. she did warn me theres a waiting list - which is the same across the country, so hopefully things wont get too bad in the meantime.

jack and i then wandered to asda, to collect beer and money. he had earlier declared that because i had done a good and brave thing that morning (id rung him, told him about the fact that something yves had said was messing with my head, and possibly going to cause problems, so just wanted to let him know the situation and potential pitfall) he was buying us food instead of cooking, which was lovely.
we picked up some goliath and fursty ferret ale from asgard, and ordered pizza hut for dinner. they are doing a really good virtuous veg pizza at the mo - so we got a stuffed crust and a cheesy bites one... and garlic bread and coleslaw.... perfectly set up for an evening of watching whose line is it anyway, modelling/painting and watching harry potter V at way too late a time (putting it on at close to midnight not the greatest idea)

It was a very pleasant chilled out evening with no pressure which was nice... this morning mooched a little, ate a little leftover pizza before jack disappeared for he has things to do... i then did the washing up, watched eragon, which now ive finished the book, think the film is not good at all....i didnt thinknit great to begin with.. but they missed so much out and could have made it so much better...,
and have been trying to get into writing mode ready for the start of NaNoWriMo tomorrow. i decided to stick with what i know so expect something fantastical and kinda young adulty to erupt... the assumptio that this means therell be a dragon in there has already been bandied about, and i cant promise for certain that there wont be, i dont see any need for one yet....

nanowrimo is going to be my project for november... trying to look at doing new things, and set myself challenges. it willn stop me being bored and lonely in the short term, and in the longer term may help me to work out things i actually enjoy doing...

speaking of the short term... in lieu of my birthday im having a mostly open house next weekend... given that <lj-user=ghostreign> is going to be up, and chris was debating it as well. paul and jack have both said they would come over but are unsure when, it means any plans are abandoned and things will be taken as they come... if anyone else fancies it, then let me know and illgive you more info.

debated whether or not to f-lock this one or not... and ive opted not to..

tomorrow im going to the doctors to take the recommendation from my psychotherapist for longer term treatment. im bad and should have done it some time ago but i got it just before i was off work for two weeks on hols, and i went home and then i was sorting stuff out, and then things went shit, and i just didnt get around to it.. but given how the last couple of weeks have been, and the new challenges im facing its a really good idea. to get it moving.. despite being somewhat scared.
ill also be asking if i can get a sicknote to cover the time off work ive had this week.. i can self certify, but theyve asked so ill see. not going to fret too much about that though...

did a bit more from the book that the psychotherapist recommended to me today... got stuck at setting goals for myself and how i measure whether im achieving them... coincidentally a lot of ex flatmates rather pointed comments this evening (he'd dropped by to pick up some stuff) were along those lines too - that and a whole rant over how nobody actually likes me and people only spend time with me out of pity.. which made me go wtf some... but yet again made me doubt everything... because in an effort to be a bit more open minded i have to consider the prospect that he's right... jack is coming over tomorrow... and its going to make for an uncomfortable evening because thats going to be nagging at me the whole time... and it would be the sime for whoever the nect person would be...

on the downside i also feel quite bad because when im stressed or agitated and in certain other situations i tend to do something with my hands... it varies as to what, but its a slight ocd type thing... if its bad then ill start rubbing or sqeezing my arm or something. mostly i catch it and either change it to something else or stop it... today i missed it entierly and as a result ihave something akin to carpet burn on the inside of my wrist... im mad at myself for not picking up on it...

i got a bit of sleep.... enough to live on anyhow... and ive tidied the lounge and hoovered and mopped that and the bathroom.
The lounge feels big and empty and impersonal now...  its a change, and it will get better i know that.

through all the crap in the last week ive been holding on to the fact that jack and i had agreed a painting day/night this weekend...
might sound quite trivial but when we get to do them it involves food, (sometimes beer) conversation, and is much more than just painting minatures... its a full occasion. its escapism and its paradoxically also a really good way of whatever the opposite of escapism would be... 
(really bad sentence there that makes not a lot of sense i know.. :S)
the fact we dont get to do them often at all makes them all the more special, so when i find out that its rainchecked its just about finished me off. its really knocked me for six. thats all ill say really.
i know that something more important willhave come up so im not mad.... just broken.

im now wondering if the whole going back to blogging was actually a good idea... im tryign to find good things to post about as well as whats happening... and i was hopign for some sense of catharsis to come from it.. but so far not yet... but its been less than a week. i dont want to be defeated that easily.

its way too late... i know that. sleeping 14 hours - over double what i would normally sleep has messed with my body clock... am just going with it.
its one thirty am. im looking at my living room and it seems really empty. the boxes have gone. in fact all traces of flatmate have gone from the living room and the bathroom, and most of the kitchen. the flat now feels really empty.
i know that this is right and that ultimately i need to be on my own for oh so many reasons, but it doesnt mean im not ambivolent about it... 

im still going to miss flatmate.. i will regret the times ive treated him like crap even though he's made my life hell in some ways... 
ill always worry that maybe he was right and that i have thrown the help he tried to offer back in his face... even if i dont see how ive done it.

having spent most of my day dozing on the sofa to films and trying to tweak pc a little actually had a relatively ok evenng with him around... then i made a throwaway comment about 'the saint'  being a bit crap as a film version - which we had 'a conversation' about... which then degenerated into yet another conversation about how i dont want to make anything better and im really actually only happy torturing myself because if i wasnt i would stop being in denial and just enjoy life, or alternatively i would change things so they reflect what i want... but i have all of the answers already so its all up to me.... my admitting my lack of understanding and how to actually go about this is all also a part of my denial apparently...  left me feeling pretty crappy..... but what if he is right... ? theres this whole opposite thing going on which i dont understand... how can i be telling myself im thinking one thing when actually im thinking another without knowing it?

i guess thats why im seeing a head doctor.....
 its just a shame that it's come too late to salvage anything here. i know some people who know said flatmate would say that its no great loss, and that im better off without him anyhow... but that doesnt chang ethe fact that i do appreciate the effort he's made to try to help.... 

feel very small, lost and confused right now... so many questions and no answers i can see.

on the plus side though i have just about got my world of warcraft account sorted after it got hacked and merged to a battlenet account about a year ago. sorting out patches, but with any luck i might even get stuff back thats gone...
 

in here... !

Im going to be tidying this morning.... as opposed to at work. this is because after a somewhat horrendous day yesterday...
things going wrong with machinery at work, finding out that the person id been kind of seeing had met someone else (it wasnt anything serious but it still plays to my insecurities) getting out of work at lunchtime, and going home, only to find flatmate returns and another argument ensues. had  aheadache all day and felt like i was coming down with something...
walked home the long way as i wanted to avoid confrontation for as long as possible. got back to empty house but just hid...
then realised i had a bunch of blisters across my face where a lot of the pains an aches id had were...
so yeah. shingles. and because its on my face and neck. i have to stay off work...

the flat is a tip. some of it ill have to leave for now and deal with when im on my own.. but for now i can at least pick up the empty bottles etc(not necessarily mine) and make a start. just need to try and take it easy

as its really one thirty am.... am still up because i refuse to go to bed worked up...

and im goign to break an agreement here but i dont care. my very soon to be ex-flatmate asked me to not mention him in blog posts or the like... and i have respected that 99% of the time - the other one % being things which would have made no sense had i not mentioned him.

yves and i were good friends to begin with. over the last year that has deteriorated into a whole pile of crap, for which we are both responsible.... i feel more responsible than i am for how things have turned out but i cant deny my part in this. ive taken his presence for granted and he's ended up bearing the brunt of a lot of the crap going around my head. he in turn has not been very understanding about the situation ive been in over the last year... im not going to bitch about all the ins and outs.. i shall leave it there... but after what has been a good weekend - one where ive actually felt pretty ok, done things i have enjoyed and not been too stressed about anything, i got back after my walk, and yves decided he was going to offer helpful advice. ....this is his way of pointing out my flaws and telling me what i do wrong, but i ahve no option to actually discuss how i dont see it that way, or to talk it through to understand why i do it... so in retrospect, its not helpful just leaves me feeling like shit and beating myself up. him knowing that doesnt stop him though....
so this evening he baited me and i rose to it... im angry at myself for having reacted to it....  but hoping i can learn something from it. still im trying not to let it cast a shadow over my weekend... and despite the crap, i will miss having someone around to say hello to when i get in...
life is going to be very different very soon and i hope that i will be able to adapt.

in other news..
i bashed my hand last night ont he way to bed.. got a huge lump coming up straight away on it, so stuck some ice on it. which has helped but im still left with a lump and a lovely bruise forming. would not like to think about what it would look like if i hadnt iced it...

havent dared check my ankle yet from saturday either... twisted it and got it caught in a step (dont ask) and the twist is fine but i know its bruised as well...

injuries aside...
revamped the myspace as well.. put most of the ep up on there and am generally looking to do somethign with it. tryign to inject a bit of life into the facebook group as well... there may or may not be something coming... partly depends on how things go once yves is gone...

so this next week is going to be a bit more upheaval but at the weekend if all goes to plan will ahve a friend over for a game of warhammer 40k. this may well mean my evenings will be spent painting this week... there are worse things i could be doing i suppose!
 
and with that.. i think to bed i must go.

ok, so this has to be a first... sara blogging about clothing... !!!

ive just blown this months food budget on a coat... this is not so good, however its a necessity, not a luxury, and i love it so i actually dont care.. it cost me 30 quid, which is probably the most ive spent on clothing in a long time.

so its a midlength woollen coat with a little bit of flare out on it, double breasted and bright red. i will post a photo at some point but right now i cannot.
The fact its red is a big thing as well, because ive had a fear of wearing red ever since i was considerably younger and a picture was taken of me in a hideous pillar box red track suit.... nuff said eh?

went and tested it with a long walk along the beach home, and its certainly windproof! got to see alovely sunset as well so all in all a very positive afternoon... well needed and very welcome!

this evening im treating myself to steak and then i shall be veggie until further notice. just need to make sure i have some lentils in to make soup so i dont get too anaemic.... stupid blood.

on the downside, ive lost my bounce CD - i actually really like it as a bon jovi album goes, and i know im not in the popular opinion there, but i dont care... its going on the amazon wishlist as well as the other stuff.... to be honest though id settle for my fridge and freezer being well stocked int he run up to christmas as a great birthday gift.... i am owed a bit of bills money from flatmate though so that will help and may leave me in not so quite dire straits... tomorrow ill double check all the finances.. should squeeze by alright i think.

forgive me livejournal, for i have sinned. i have not updated as often as i should... i ditched you in favour of facebook...

i tend to have trouble posting because i think i lack things to post about.. or i leave it so long that i cant possibly list evedryting...

so im goign to try a new tack. a brief update on the big things and then thats that. anything gone before is gone.

im told i worry too much about everythign and dwell on things i can't change anyhow.. so lets try something different..

the BIG things.
i now officially have short hair... like almost a bob, but not a bob.... for anyone knowing me, this is actually a BIG thing. ive had long hair FOREVER, but i do quite like it... also enjoying the whole going to a hairdresser thing. im quite competent when it comes to cutting hair, but just cannot be arsed when it comes to my own,  but im trying to take a bit more care of myself so thats where that coes in.

Myflatmate is actually moving out. Things have been somewhat tempestuous over the last year and a bit, and im pretty sure that as honourable as his intentions may or may not have been, he's hindered things just as much as he has helped... that said, i will miss him. there have been some fun times and i do feel like ive messed up a chance of gaining a pretty darned good friend... but equally, as he rightly says, i have to get on with things, so i shall try...

workwise, i started a new job now a month ago, and im loving being in one place, have really good people to work with, and can walk to work, so hopefully will work out to being able to save a little money over the long term.

so yeah... finances. these are, if im entirely honest, pretty dire. for things to be working i need another £50 quid a month in...  as at present, priority goes bills, debt, and then if theres anything left then food... there is always something left, its just whether it's 10 quid or 40 quid... so i get veg and meat when i can afford it and live off pasta and rice when i can't... if i am really strict however then obviously as debt goes down a little i get a little more disposable income... and any extra chinks of money to go on making that happen. New job means the possibility of a bonus on occasion so throwing that onto chucks of debt is a step in the right direction....

other than that, been thinking a lot about the big questions of life... things i tend to shy away from... but really shouldbe thinking about...

so overall... lots of taking stock of things and working out where i go from here....so there is my catch up update... hopefully now, will get back into the swing of blogging again...

oh and have entered nanowrimo this year.... chris and i plan to spur one another on..  so that could be an interesting challenge and quite fun. too. been planning to do it for a while now, so finally getting round to it.... 50000 word novel HO!!!!!